I'm Not Coming to the Show
A Minor Rant by Guest Writer Billy Gray (guitarist/vocalist of Ben Franklin, pictured )

Look, I'm not coming to your show. Yes, we've known each other a really long time, you came out to a lot of my shows in the past, you've been super supportive and even hooked me up with shows, what's my problem? How can I be so calloused?

Please check off any of the following that apply:

[x] You email me almost every fucking day.

I mean, seriously. Seriously. Knock it the fuck off. Tone it down. This is the most annoying thing you could possibly do as an artist of any stripe. ONCE A MONTH is enough with the email list. Do you have any idea how many emails your fans (many of whom for a long time will consist only of your beleaguered friends) get every day from bands like yours? Especially those living in a place like NYC? Check your own inbox if you need some sympathy. 

For bonus points, use an actual mailing list so people can unsubscribe from your deluge of information.

[x] You play in this town twice a week.

Do I really need to explain this? Apparently, I do. Say there's a band you like quite a bit, let's call them Dog Slayer. They're pretty good! They might make it some day. They play in Brooklyn about twice a month, where you live. Are you going to make it to every show? How about every month?

I know what you're thinking, Dog Slayer, you're thinking, "might as well let everyone know, and they can come out to the shows they can make, we really should play as often as possible to reach as many people," but you know and I know that it DOESN'T FUCKING WORK LIKE THAT. You have to starve the market. You have to space out your shows and make them really damn good if you want to build some kind of "buzz", if you want people to think, "woah, I can't miss that! I need to tell my friends!".

Don't buy into that play everywhere, play often trap, it's a load of crap, it does not work.

[x] You implore myself and everyone you know (as well as those you don't) to VOTE For YOU! It only takes five minutes, honest! You've just got to go here and sign up for this website...

These contests are total and complete bullshit, and everyone knows it. Easily hacked cheez-ball popularity contests designed for maximum page-hits are not Your Ticket to the Big Leagues. If you really have to get out the cattle prods to get a decent showing in the polls, your time might be spent better on your art.

Time management aside, your obsessive attempts at winning these things are incredibly annoying and if you send me another one, I am going to go out of my way to avoid your shows or make eye contact. 

[x] You are a social media slut

Hey, we've all done this one, or at least dipped our toes in the waters. Yet, we're not all Amanda F. Palmer. Just as there is a fine line between clever and stupid, there's also a fine line between making things available for people to read and pushing them on people. If you want to be the AFP-type of status-update junkie, do it in a way that allows people to subscribe if they really want it. Twitter's great for that. Blogs, tumblr, RSS feeds - these are all things that allow your friends/fans to keep up with your political ranting if they so choose to do so. 

Facebook status messages are where that sort of thing breaks down. Repeatedly posting the same thing over and over again is extremely annoying. And honestly, if you are just posting every five minutes from your band page on Facebook, see the email comment above. It's not that different. Keep a low profile if you want people to pay attention when it's important. 

In Conclusion

Someone's gotta say it to you: that initial group of people who are willing to support your art when you're just starting out is vital to you. Not just because they might help tell other people, but because these are the Only People Who Give A Shit outside of yourself. It's really important not to bombard them, but to carefully consider the presentation of yourself and your events as part of your art, and to finely tune all of that just like you would your songs or the mixing of your next record. 

It took me a long time to learn that, and I really wish I could say that I've lived up to all this. But, we persevere. Be not despondent! Just tone it down. Lay low. Plan a really good show with some really neat new stuff that your friends have never seen you do before, and spend some time planning it. And don't play your buddy's birthday party the week before.

Remember, the people that really like your stuff will jump to come see you, especially if you make the effort to minimize extraneous communication (is it really an effort?) and be sure to get directly in touch with your core supporters when you need them. They'll be quite a bit more receptive if they only hear from you once in a while, and if every time you deliver something amazing.

Now you've just freed up a lot more time for yourself to work on your art. Leave the cluttering of people's minds with bullshit to the bozos that do it best.